This exercise helps you understand where you’re not taking responsibility in your life. It’ll show you how to move from a victim role to feeling empowered and in charge of your own experience. It’s for anyone that blames other people for their problems or is stuck feeling unhappy or dissatisfied with their life.
Great for:
- People suffering from anxiety, depression, anger, shame or guilt.
- People who feel like they never catch a break even though they are a good person.
- People ready to take charge of their own lives.
When clients first come to me wanting to make changes in their life or in their partner’s or children’s lives, I ask them this question: “Who is responsible for making that change?”
Most will say, “I am”. Those that want to change their partner or their children will say “You are” meaning me, or, “They are”. If they are wanting to change their partner or children, I keep asking the question until they realize that they are 100% responsible for changing themselves and that they are 100% not responsible for changing others.
Once you have accepted 100% responsibility for making changes in your own life, you can focus your attention on that change and start moving forward.
So what does taking responsibility mean? It’s the ability to respond to whatever is happening in your life. When you take 100% ownership for every experience in your life, that doesn’t mean everything is your fault. For example, if you’ve been the victim of a crime or domestic violence or bullying, you are not at fault because you did not commit the offense. However, you are completely responsible for the way you react to that event and how that event affects you and your life, moving forward.
The same applies to other areas of life where there is potential for conflict. For example, if there is trouble in your marriage, you must take responsibility for your role in the relationship. Regardless of what has happened to create the situation, even if it is not your fault, it is still your responsibility. You have the power to rectify the situation, if you choose 먹튀검증커뮤니티.
The Cause versus Effect exercise
Do you take control of the direction of your life or are you a victim of circumstance? Where do you operate from: “Cause” or “Effect”?
Let’s have a look at this on a piece of paper or on a whiteboard. On the right hand side is the word “Effect”. Here is where we believe:
- Things happen to me
- I get angry
- I am the victim
- I always look for and have excuses
- I focus on the problem/s, poor me
- I am completely disempowered ? I have handed my personal power over to someone or something
- I am happy
- I am in charge of me and my life
- I’m driving my “bus”
- I am the victor
- I move forward
- I have the ability to respond to any situation
- I am empowered
When you move from Effect into Cause, the solution is easier to find.
So where do you think bullies sit? Yes, in “Effect”. Why? Because they hand their power over to whatever negative emotions they are choosing to sit in. For example, bullies are often angry (perhaps at an injustice in their life), sad, hurt with feelings of shame and often guilt for what they are doing. Bullies are choosing to stay a victim of these negative emotions. I say choosing because we all have a choice. We can choose to stay in the negative (Effect) or choose to move across to the positive (Cause). When we choose to move from the negative to the positive, we can find solutions.
If your perception is that the person or situation is out of your control, you are choosing to sit in “Effect.” If you choose to believe the situation is a positive one and that you can do something to resolve it, then you are sitting in “Cause.”
If you are having a discussion with a colleague at work or someone at home, and they do not understand your point of view, you need to take 100% responsibility for the fact that your meaning is not understood. Then you need to take a different approach so that you are communicating effectively. You can’t blame them for not understanding you if you are not being clear in your communication. It is always your responsibility, not theirs, to ensure they understand you.
So, it is important to understand that no matter whether the event or person is positive or negative, what matters most is your reaction. Your reaction determines whether you are operating from an empowered (Cause) or disempowered position (Effect).
When you take full ownership of this idea, you have the ability to change and improve any situation. When you accept total responsibility, you are sitting in, and operating at “Cause”. Wow, how empowering!
Case Study: Sandra and Kevin (names have been changed to protect their privacy)
Kevin and Sandra and their children (aged 10, 12 and 17) were clients who came to me for help as their family was in complete breakdown mode. All they could do was yell, scream, blame and threaten divorce. In reality, and by their own admission, they had about 4 months until “break” time and were already moving towards separation.
I took all 5 of them individually through the Cause and Effect exercise with an issue specific to them. For Kevin, it was getting angry when the children didn’t do their jobs around the house, such as taking the recycling out of the house and into the recycling bin each day.
Kevin very quickly realized that he was sitting in Effect about this relatively minor issue. If the children chose not to do these jobs, then that was their choice. Kevin understood that no amount of yelling, screaming, shouting, or reminding was changing the fact that the children would sometimes not take the recycling out in the morning. He saw that in the overall scheme of things, it didn’t matter if the recycling wasn’t done daily and to his surprise, the world didn’t stop revolving. Once he let go of being a victim of his own “Why is this happening to me” belief, he relaxed and found the children automatically did the jobs they were responsible for doing. Once he stopped getting angry, the children got their power back too and took responsibility for their role in the family.
The Cause and Effect exercise is a great exercise for individuals and families, regardless of age.
Tip: with children under 15 (who don’t have an eating challenge) I will talk about Cause and Effect in a way that’s appropriate to their age. When we talk about the word Cause, I ask them for their absolute favorite food. When we talk about Effect, I ask them for a food they really don’t like. So, for example, Cause could be spaghetti bolognaise and Effect is often brussel sprouts (they get such a bad wrap!). I then ask, “Would you like to be eating spaghetti bolognaise or brussel sprouts?” Of course they want to eat the food they like the best, so we talk about how they can stay at Cause and eat spaghetti bolognaise versus being in Effect and eating yucky brussel sprouts. This visual metaphor works a treat and makes it easier for them to understand, and for the family as a whole to talk about.
